We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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