I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
