Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
