you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
The best walk of shames are on the highway
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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