I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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