Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
