I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
