I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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