Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
