i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
