Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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