The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
