Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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