Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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