Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
