Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
