im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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