you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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