I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
