He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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