Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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