Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
