How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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