Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
don't judge my taste in strippers
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
