i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
