I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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