no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
