Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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