I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
