If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
