I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
