I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just invented taco cereal.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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