found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
