So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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