Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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