i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
