I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
