if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
