I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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