Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
