I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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