I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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