Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
