Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
