He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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