I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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