this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
