can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
