Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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