just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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