Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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