Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize