Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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