billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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