Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
