I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
