Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize