So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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