my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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